I haven’t taken the time to express myself lately, which is a theme with me and my blog, good thing it’s basically just a way for me to record any important emotions or ideas I want to journal about. But something has been bothering me as of late so I want to attempt to put into words my journey of being single and what it has done for me.
8 yrs ago when I entered my first inpatient rehab for drug use I had a boyfriend who really in no way contributed to my partying except that he was along for the crazy ride until getting deported while I was in treatment. So he was gone, more than likely for good and I immediately moved on. Within 3 weeks I decided to date the guy I had become so close to in treatment with no desire to listen to my counselors. He made me feel amazing, it was meant to be and there is no way I’ll ever relapse especially because of him or anything that happens. The latter part was true, I didn’t relapse because of him, in fact I was the first to use 6 months later but we did end up using together and our life spiraled out of control quickly. The next 3 years were terrible for the both of us, jobless, hustling, doing drugs in restaurant bathrooms, sleeping in hotels when we could or sleeping no where at all because there wasn’t a place to go. In and out of rehab just to get food and shower for a while because I needed alittle break not because I wanted to get clean. Anyway all that is beside the point but every time I would go all of the counselors would say the same thing over and over. “You need to take a year and learn to love yourself”. They must be crazy, no way I’m staying single for a year and who the hell are they to say I don’t love myself, I think I’m freaking awesome. (Ego) thinking I was awesome as a personality was not the same as loving my character as a person. In fact when asked I couldn’t tell you what kind of person I was, I didn’t even know what kind of music was my favorite. I liked it all, which is somewhat true because music is amazing but I can tell you the number of times I’ve listened to Punk Rock since I broke up with that punk rock quitarist if you get what I’m saying. I can also tell you what concerts I’ve choose to go to single and sober and what I enjoyed and or disliked because that was a part of finding myself.
2012 I decided to end my dead end relationship and stay single for a year. I failed a few times. Didn’t get serious or have a “boyfriend” but I dated 2 guys for 2 months each. Both were an example of how much I disliked myself but I believe I needed them to realize it and in the end it was easy to walk away and learn to love myself more. The second year, since I had to restart wasn’t very good either but not nearly as bad. I did date more but kept it short as not to get attached to anyone but still fill that lonely void I had at times. Eventually I got tired of that and all in all was more comfortable just hanging out with myself. Eventually I learned how to make friends who helped fill that void but I also challenged myself 2 to 3 times a month to go places by myself where I didn’t know anyone. It was extremely hard and I was exceptionally quiet but I did experience a huge variety of things I had once only dreamed of doing while high or in a relationship living the guys life, not my own. I did not know that I loved being in nature because I was too far gone being a home body. I literally thought I was a loner who hated people and going outside. Today I hate staying even one full day at home. I make a point to leave for even the most mundane reason like driving around to get my baby to nap. Do I need to do that? No but it gets me out of my house and into my head which I’m comfortable being in now. I used to run from my thoughts and emotions. Bury them in anything that seemed to take the pain away, a bottle of liquor, a bottle of pills, a man, food, careless behavior, blowing my money, literally anything that made me feel good. Today I face what’s inside my head because it’s not fear I want to run from, it’s fear I want to run to. I have courage today. I have determination. I have persistence. I’m not afraid to go where I want to go or do what I want to do. If I think it, it happens. No matter what.
I’ve been single for 3 yrs. Some argue because I’ve had dates and I’ve had sex and I now have a 10 month old baby but I have not been on a date, talked to a guy or had sex now for over 14 months. I finally accomplished a whole year of being single, and the thought of another year doesn’t scare me at all. In fact I welcome it. Sure it’s scary. I would love to meet someone perfect for me and me perfect for him but as I mentioned, I have a little baby and he is my most important part of my life. I spent all that time getting to know myself, able to date then walk away because his morals and values didn’t line up with mine but now not only do they need to be comparable to mine, they must be comparable to my life as a mother. And most importantly in line with my children’s lives.
I believe all women and men of broken relationships, with or without kids should take the time to find themselves, to love themselves, to love the others who hurt them and forgive all before they move on to someone else. Don’t worry about what the love of your life is doing, they are no longer the love of your life. You are the love of your life, or you aren’t. Until you are, the one thing that’s for sure is you aren’t someone else’s. Until you absolutely love yourself, love being with yourself, no matter what, more than you love being with and servicing another, you will be miserable no matter who you settle for. So don’t settle. Stay strong, find yourself then let love find you.
I love you.