Wow, for the last week I’ve had some pretty mixed feelings and terrible shaming thoughts. My DS is 6weeks today and I’m feeling blue. I’m not depressed and it’s not constant but at least 10 times a day my mood changes and it just seems to get worse.
Maybe i just need a break. I’ve been the sole care giver to this little human for 6straight weeks so naturally of course I’m exhausted. Do you have any idea how much I’ve done in these 6weeks? I should be happy I get up out of bed. But the last 2days I’ve been so down on myself for feeling like I don’t want to take care of him right this minute. Like can I get an hour, or 2, but wait that’s not enough maybe I need 5 or even 24. Yet at the same time I don’t want to ask for help. I don’t want someone else taking care of my little one so I can do whatever it is I think I need to do. Because frankly my list is so long I’d need to enlist help every single day and then wouldn’t want to do any of the things I think I ‘should’ be doing. I mean seriously can’t organizing my house wait???
I seriously have so much anxiety about it that it can’t but I tried to be super mom last night and stay up 3hrs later while he slept in his car seat because that’s the only way I could get him to sleep so I left him there as long as I could and I went to town on my home and barely made a dent. Then I slept in with him so basically I accomplished nothing but caused me more stress because now he’s not going to want a nap again today since he napped all morning. So once again 3hrs wasn’t enough and I want it again today. And at the same time I just want to lay down with him and fall into the deepest sleep ever and never wake up. Ok i want to wake up eventually but not till tomorrow morning.
So I’m laying here nursing my non stop nursing child so he’ll stop crying and hoping I don’t actually fall asleep but hoping he stays asleep so I can do this or that even though nothing is ever enough. I knew I was going to regret allowing myself to let things slide for 9months of sickness and pain but I kept telling myself babies sleep alot and you’ll be able to get it all done once he’s here and you’re feeling better. Well my baby doesn’t sleep like a baby, and he nurses all the time and I let him because it’s easier than trying every single thing I can think of over and over watching that nothing entertains or calms him down. I Suck at being a Mom! I feel like it’s all my fault that he’s fussy and hungry. Everything that’s wrong is because of me and my feelings of inadequacy just makes him that much worse because he can sense that I’m feeling some sort of way so he gets crankier and screams at the top of his lungs. And then after hours I have to take a break for ten minutes and he doesn’t let up and i just sit there telling myself that I’m a failure and shouldn’t have brought him into this world to be raised by such a horrible impatient mommy.
And then it hits me, and everything is okay and goes back to normal. I’m a great mom and that’s why he crys and wants to nurse and wants held, it’s because I’ve been there for him every single day for his life and he wants me there to comfort him. So i just need to get alittle more patience in that moment and suck it up and cuddle and let that boy nurse till his heart is content. This isn’t going to last forever right?? One day, I know this for fact, I’ll be crying that I didn’t get enough time with him, and he’s to busy with life to enjoy mommy and me time. These are the moments that I’ll cherish for life. These are the days that will make watching him go off to college, or move away for a wonderful job and start his own family worth it all. So what if I can’t clean or eat or enjoy things I once loved, right now I need to love the little one. And let him no that’ll I’ll always be here no matter what. As long as I’m doing my best, I’m doing alright.