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Sleepless Nights

It worked right up until it quit working… Unknown

So it’s 3am and I’m completely exhausted but can’t sleep.  I really don’t know if I technically have insomnia or not but I definitely have sleep issues.  I find that journaling is usually the best thing to quite my mind in the middle of the night.  I really want to start this blog and I suppose for now if I’m writing anything even at 3am at least I’m writing something.  The more I do it at any time,  the more I’ll want it to be apart of my schedule regularly.  I hope.

I have been thinking about all the things in my life.  Especially the loneliness which has brought me to feeling obsessed to learn and do something new.  First let me just tell you I’m 26 weeks 1 day pregnant and I’ve seen the father one night since I conceived.  Mostly completely my choice,  so totally my fault that I feel lonely.  I’m not sure why I feel lonely a lot lately and I have no desire to see him so I really don’t believe that’s the reason.  I’m just not medicated and truth be told everything irritates me so bad lately that when I feel alone I completely understand why.  If I was my friend I wouldn’t want to be around me either,  I seriously can barely stand myself I’m so tired and frustrated.

But by God I keep pushing.  Waking up everyday and doing what needs to be done to the best of my ability.  Right now I have this dream again of who I’ve always wanted to be and I’m pushing myself to work toward that.  I’m glad I’m trying to get into blogging, I know I’m not the greatest writer and my vocabulary isn’t spectacular but it is a great outlet for me.  Speaking of great outlets I have a love for acrylic canvas painting I started alittle over a year ago.  I went to a friends house this morning and 4 of us were painting,  I cried. In the last 14 months I’ve probably averaged 2 paintings a month,  not many but I’m not unsatisfied with the number.  Problem is I think I should be an amazing painter by now and I’m not.  I feel as if I have stayed the same if not going backward. I should be learning more but I’m constantly going back and forth to other things that strick my flame.  And I become obsessed,  I then I fall.  All I could think is what happens when what was working for you isn’t working anymore.  My conclusion is that you keep trying and you switch it up.  Never give up! That’s why my blog is simply about my life,  my recovery and my motherhood. I have so many things that interest me and I’m not really looking for anything other than an outlet to share my experiences and thoughts. If any of you fall in love and we become friends that’s wonderful but I’m pretty sure my Facebook friends are tired of seeing everything I do so why not share it with people who have the option of seeing it only if they want to while also letting me express myself.  This is so long I bet no one finishes it so if you did thanks for hanging in there.  My mind feels a little better and my eyes are closing for sleep.

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